I had my second round of therapy today. after a month. told the dr as well, I do not recall almost 90% of what we discussed but he summarised the bits he wanted to track.
- he keeps telling me I am doing a good job, respecting myself, trying, so on. (i do not respect myself, i only stopped smoking cuz i got so sick one morning after drinking like hell and i was out of cash, still am out of cash..)
- i am not sure if he really understands or takes it seriously, i do want to die, real bad and I am prone to trying, maybe even making it happen finally.
- i hate my job. (duuuhh)
after today`s session he might be feeling sorry for me, my immigration-wise. other than that he did confirm i am mostly depressed. i am unhappy with my job. i wanna die but i still want the passport (EU passport) so he thinks my B plan is my main plan.
i was rather sarcastic or maybe a little happy today talking to him.
we spoke about socialisation again. told him i`ll attend to a halloween gathering on sunday and comic-con in november. do you know about FACTS? there`s discount if you dress up but i think i will only put a wig on? not sure yet, i might even skip it last minute. i told him also i do not get why they want me around as i contribute nothing, he called me a little paranoid. lol
–> one of them gave me one of her old coats (they broke into my car in my street, overnight, took my fucking decathlon raincoat umbrella and sunglasses) and she bought me this olifant –>
i`m craving cigarettes like crazy. i had one half joint last week, cause i had nothing to drink and smoking weed looked smarter move than smoking regular cigarettes. so i am out of tobacco officially.
speaking to him, i sound so smart, so self-aware. but yeah, he agress also, knowing aint worth anything if you are not willing to do anything about these?
he wants me to place a little flower to my desk in the office, maybe buy something really personal/something i really like for the apartment. he is right tho, just because i buy things over here, it will not mean i have to stay forever. but also if i plan to leave in 8 months… i dont know man.
one thing, he keeps talking about me drinking. i told him i drink less now but when i drink now i drink until i black out. i came to conclusion-confession of me using alcohol as an excuse to act however i want to act normally, it is an excuse so they cannot call me stupid, crazy, something.. even if they do, i will not mind myself.
oh and he told me that i am not fat and i should eat better as quality food gives human beings energy that they need. –> last week i survived on spaghetti and yoghurt only. previous week it was eggs and cheese. some chocolate too, to be fair, i need the energy if i am hungover and it has to come from sugar.
oh i also told him that i freak out because my mood swings are always there and i do not know where i end and crazy starts, or vice versa. (financial problems.. my first manic attack, i took a loan even tho i was not earning a lot, max`d out my credit card and committed suicide, to wake up in icu with tens of thousands of liras..) not being able to see clearly where i fucked up, scares me.
i sold my fucking tv. i did not cry about it. even tho i was having cramps with huge bloated boobs.
bipolar surfing between mood waves 